Digimon: Dogma
by Digifan316
Summary: This is based on Kevin Smith's Dogma, only some of the charactures are replaced with the Digidestened. Example: Tai takes Loki's place as one of the fallen angels.
1. Prolog

Digimon: Dogma Prolog

Based on the film by: Kevin Smith

By Digfan3:16

Ratted: R (this is the ratting for every part)

Disclaimer: 1. A statement made to give credit to any one in this story that was not created by me. 2. A statement made to save one's own ass.

This is a work of fanfiction. I don't own the Digidestened (which I've aged to adults, and I'm using only some of them), Ruffus, Jay, or Silent Bob or any characters made by Kevin Smith or the guy that created Digimon. And I don't want any religious people flaming me claming I'm making fun of religion (or in this case, Kevin Smith since this is based on his film). Like Kevin Smith said during his disclaimer during Dogma, the judgment of this story is for God and God alone (this goes out to you reviewers out there—just kidding.).

Just remember that God too has a sense of humor, just look at the Pokemon. Now, enjoy the story.

A note to you Pokemon lovers: That was just an example, I didn't mean to make fun of Kids WB's and Nintendo's stupid critters. Now, enjoy the story.

The sun was just coming up over the boardwalk in Ash Barry Park, New Jersey. An old man is standing outside the skeetball area waiting for it to open, suddenly, there's a buzzing sound as three kids on rollerblades caring hokey sticks appear behind the old man. A few seconds latter, the kids rush and beat the old man into unconscious

Meanwhile, at a nearby church, a press conference is under way, with cardinal Glick is speaking:

"The Catholic Church is launching the 'Cathososim: WOW!' campaign. The Catholic Church is using this year as a revival of both faith and style. Take for example, the holy cross, this holy, recognizable, yet depressing symbol of the church is retiring. Christ didn't come down here to give us the willies, he came down to lift our spirits. That's why we created the new symbol…" Glick says as he removes a cloth covering "…the Buddy Christ." The statue is one of Christ pointing and winking. "This is just a name were kicking in the office, but, look at it doesn't it just kick. This is just one of many revivals were doing…"

On TV, at a Wisconsin airport, a reporter continues what Glick was saying:

"…for the Catholic Church to increase attendance. This church is also known for a little known Catholic belief that if you pass through the arch, you sins are forgiven and you are given a morally clean slate. For CNN, this is Tom Johnson reporting."

At that same airport, we see a man with brown hair, goggles, blue shirt and brown shorts talking to a nun with a change jar. This man is Tai, but he is no man.

"All I'm saying is, if God exists, then where is he when trouble happens, why doesn't he scold all the murders rapist and thieves in the world. If God did exist, then where is he?" Hearing all of this is another man. He has blond hair, a green shirt, and blue jeans. His name is Matt, but, like Tai, he is no man.

"My god, you're right." The nun replied to Tai's comment. "What have I done with my life?" "Do your self a favor," replied Tai, "take the money you collected and buy your self something nice." "I will and thank you." The nun said and left. "What's with you?" Matt asked. "You know there's a God, you've seen his presence, you even spoke to him directly, yet you clam you're an Atheist." "I just like to play with the clergy." Replied Tai. "So why do you like coming here?" He asked. Matt pointed to a couple who haven't seen each other for a long time and said: "See that, that's why I come here. All the sadness and evils of the world forgotten in just a few minuets. What that man doesn't know was that while he was away, his girl friend was having an affair. But that doesn't matter here." "Is this why you dragged me out here?" Tai replied. Then Matt answered: "No to show you this, we're going home." "Did I hear you right? We're going home?" Asked a surprised Tai. Matt then pulled out a newspaper clipping. "I got this morning." He said. "Read this." "Cardinal Glick launches the Catholicism: WOW! Campaign." Tai said as he read the article out loud. "What's this have to due with us?" Matt then replied: "Read on!"

A few minutes later:

"So all we have to do is pass through the arch thingy on the day of the rededicated ceremony in four days and we get to go home?" Asked Tai. "No," replied Matt, "we pass through the archway, then clip our wings, there by becoming human, then we die, then we go home." "DIE?!" Tai said surprised. "How else are we going home?" Asked Matt. "Good point." Tai replied. "But how do you know if this'll work?" He asked. "Don't you remember what the Son of God said: 'What ever you hold truth on Earth, I'll hold truth in heaven." Matt answered "I want to do something first." Tai said as he handed Matt an article that read "Pikachu: From Nintendo video game, to childhood favorite and Kid's WB' cash cow" "Awww… you don't mean…" Matt said knowing what Tai wanted to do. "Awww… come on Matt, I want to get these guys and what better way to get back at his graces." "There hasn't been an angel of death since you quit." Matt said. "Shouldn't that tell you something?" "Yeah," replied Tai, "that I'm irreplaceable. Besides, we'll be forgiven for all our sins, so no harm, no foul." Tai said. "Well," Matt said, "he does had competition, and Pikachu is competition. All right, but we better not miss the dedication ceremony." Tai then said as they were getting on an elevator: "Our last four days on Earth, If I had a dick I'd get laid, but I can do the next best thing." "What?" Asked Matt. "Kill people." Upon hearing this, a woman spits out her coffee and then Tai said: "Not you."

To be continued…


	2. Myotis

Digimon: Dogma Part 1

Based on the film by Kevin Smith

By Digifan3:16

See prolog for disclaimer (give me a break, I'm lazy).

Notes: This takes place a few days after the Prolog and I am using two of the Digimon, Lilymon, because she looks a little like a human and Myotismon because he is THE best Digivillian. And please forgive if I spell scien wrong, I have no idea how to spell it.

In McHenry, IL, there is a church and a pastor is speaking.

"…and one final announcement, a New Jersey hospital is asking churches nationwide for donations to keep artificial life support going for an unknown old man who was found beaten at the Ash Berry Park boardwalk whom the hospital is calling John Doe Jersey…"

As the pastor continues, we see a woman with brown hair wearing a red dress, pink hat, and brown gloves. Her name is Mimi and she can't remember the reason why she still goes to church anymore.

"Let us prey." The pastor said and the entire church stands and preys, but Mimi doesn't understand why she still does this.

"We believe in only one God and our lord, Jesus Christ," Everyone including Mimi said, "Amen."

Few minutes later, outside an abortion clinic…

A woman with green hair by the name of Lily Flower was entering the abortion clinic when protesters surrounded her.

"You're going to hell you fucking baby killer!" One of the protesters said.

"Look, it's an angel." Lily said diverting the protesters attention and, as they looked, she quickly ran inside and ran into Mimi.

"Hey, Mimi. You're catholic so why don't you talk to them?" Lily asked.

"They think I'm a traitor." Mimi answered.

"I still can't believe you went to church today." Said Lily. "Why do you still go? Do you still believe in God?"

Mimi then replied: "Two things: One, out of habit and two, God is dead to me."

At a near by neighborhood, a woman answered her doorbell and saw a man dressed in black, with blond hair.

"Good evening ma'am." The man said. "My company is doing a survey and I would like to ask you a few questions."

"Sure." The woman replied.

"Do you have air conditioning?" He asked.

"Central air all over the house except the bathroom." The woman replied.

"You know what that means, don't you?" He asked.

Before the woman could answer, she was stabbed by a hockey stick in the back and was killed by one of the kids that beat old man.

Then, the man transformed. His skin turned blue and his fangs extended to reveal his true form: Myotis.

"Move." He commanded as the kid moved out of his way. Then, Myotis turned on the air conditioner.

"Ahhh…" He said. "No pleasure, no sin greater, than central air."

He then pointed to the woman and told the kid to: "Pick that up."

A few minutes later, the other kids joined their friend and Myotis for a meeting.

"Knowing heaven's protocol," Myotis said, "the powers that be are getting the last scien. I want you to find her, and remove her mortal coil. Now, GO!"

To be continued…


	3. Snoogens, or Meet the Profits

****

Digimon: Dogma pt. 2

By Digifan3:16

Based on the movie By Kevin Smith

See prolog for disclaimer (Too many big words to remember)

Mimi is prying before she goes to sleep. She is doing this rather out of habit than faith. A few minutes after falling asleep, she is awoken by a noise. Then all of a sudden a fire appears in front of her and it sounds like its saying:

"You have been chosen by God, the one true God…"

Mimi immediately grabbed the fire extinguisher and sprayed the flame, but what appeared next was a complete surprise. In place of flame was a blue haired man with glasses.

"What the… Hey!" he said. "Stop it! God! Is this what you do when ever you have company?"

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?" Mimi yelled.

"Oh, that's a twist! I'm soaked and she's slurry!" The man said.

"Did you come here to rape me?" Mimi asked.

"Oh don't flatter your self!" The man said. "Besides, I couldn't rape you if I wanted to, angels are ill equipped." The man took off his shorts, to reveal that something was missing (note: Use your imagination). "See?" the man asked. "Now, toss me a towel." Mimi grabbed and tossed him the nearest towel she can find. "God, and I just washed my cloths last week." The man complained, then he told Mimi: "Now get on the bed and let me finish." Mimi got on the bed and the man continued from where he left off. "Now as I was saying: I am," he said as wings appeared out of his back, "Joe."

Mimi just sat there confused. "God, if it's not from a movie, know one knows what your talking about." Joe complained. "The highest ranking angel." Joe said, but Mimi was still confused. "I'm the voice of God!" Joe said.

"Why doesn't God speak for him self?" Mimi asked.

"Well, look whose joined the conversation." Joe said. "To answer that, humans aren't mentally or physically capable of hearing God's voice. To hear it, would cause your mind and heart to explode. We went through five Adams before we figured that out."

But Mimi still had a look of disbelief. "Still don't believe me? Okay! Fine! Want some more proof? How about a drink?" As soon as he said that, Joe snapped his fingers and Mimi and Joe ended up in what looked like a Mexican restaurant.

"Where are we?" Mimi asked.

"Just a sec." Joe said and then called a waiter to his and Mimi's table. "Two tequilas and an empty cup por favore!" Joe told the waiter. "Si!" The waiter said.

"We're in Mexico?" Mimi asked.

"No, were in the Mexican restaurant a few blocks away from your house. But, if my trick didn't convince you that I'm an angle, then I don't know what will."

"So, what does God want with me?" Mimi asked.

"I guess my little trick worked." Joe said. "Anyway, you have been picked to go on a crusade. You are to go to a church in Red Bank, NJ and you have be there in four days. That's it." "That's it?" Mimi asked. "There has got to be a catch." Then, while drinking, Joe mumbled something that Mimi couldn't exactly hear. "I didn't catch that." She said. Then Joe said after spiting his drink into his empty cup: "I said stop two angels from entering heaven and negating existence. God, are you deaf?" "What?" Mimi asked. Joe then replied: "It's like this: There are these two angels: Matt and Tai and Tai is the angel of death, or was. After he slaughtered Egypt's first born…"

"The tenth plague." Mimi said.

"Tell someone your Joe, and they'll look at you oddly," Joe said, "but mention something from a movie, and they are suddenly on the same page. Can I finish?" Mimi nods. "Anyway," Joe continued, "Matt invited Tai out for a drink, convinces Tai his job is wrong, gets drunk, quits, and gives God the finger, which ruins it for the rest of us because from that day on, God declared Angles can no longer drink alcohol, which is why I keep spiting. God didn't take it too well and kicked both Tai and Matt out. Now they've found away to get back thanks to Catholic Dogma and that church's policy that all who pass the arch way is forgiven for their sins and allowed back into heaven."

"So they beat the system. Good for them." Mimi said.

"Not good for you!" Joe snapped. "God's word is final. To prove him wrong would make everything to opposite of what it is. Up would become down, black would become white, existence would become nothingness. If they go through the arch, they would prove God wrong and destroy you all."

"Why me? Why not someone up there?" Mimi asked.

"Because of who you are." Joe replied.

"And just who am I?" Mimi asked.

"The girl in her bloody P.J.'s!" Joe snapped. "God! You keep asking so many questions!"

"I'm going to have to pass." Mimi said.

Joe quickly spit into his empty cup and asked: "What?"

"When I found out I couldn't bare children, where was God?" Mimi asked. "When my boyfriend broke up with me because I couldn't bare his offspring, where was God?"

"You get to be mother of the entire world!" Joe snapped back. "Don't let existence end because you have a grudge against your creator! But it's up to you! Time for me to go." Joe said as he got up.

Then Mimi said: "Just one question: What's he like?"

"God?" Joe replied. "Lonely, but funny. He especially thinks it's hilarious when you people make faces during intercourse."

"Sex is a joke up in heaven?" Mimi asked.

"From what I understand, it's a joke down here too." Joe said. Then Joe shook his hands some how making a rattle sound.

Suddenly, Mimi found her self at her house in her bed. At first she thought the meeting with Joe was a dream, but as she put her hand under her pillow, she felt something. She pulled what ever was under there out and found out they were Mexican rattles.

Latter that night, outside the abortion clinic:

Mimi was closing the clinic for the night. She was still wandering if she should go to New Jersey. She was about to get into her car, when suddenly something hit her from behind, knocking her into the ground. She looked up and saw a kid on rollerblades wearing a T-shirt and holding a hockey stick. The kid shoots the keys, with mace attached to the key ring, under the car then hits Mimi. Then he joins the other kids that helped him beat up the old man. They banned their sticks on the ground several times while Mimi tried reaching for her keys. Once the kids stopped, they where about to rush Mimi when suddenly:

"Snooch to the mother fucking booch!" A skinny, tall figure shouted as he and a shorter and fatter figure jumped down and attacked the kids. They fought the kids, throwing punches left and right and tossing the kids at a nearby street corner. Just as the last kid was tossed Mimi grabbed her keys and the mace. But just as that happened, the short figure lit up a cigarette and the kids ran away as the skinny one yelled: "Go back to your paper rout you mighty duck fucks!" He then turned to his shorter friend and said: "Did you see that shit? Man, I knew they were just kids but we kicked their pubic asses!"

Mimi got up and said: "I don't know what to say, except…"

"That you'll offer us sex as a reward?" The tall one said

"Actually," Mimi replied, "Who are they and you?"

"I'm Jay," the tall one said, then he pointed to his shorter friend, "and this is my hetero life mate Silent Bob. As for the kids, we don't know who they are, but they would've kicked yours and lunch box's asses if I didn't represent." Bob just gave Jay an annoyed look.

"You're not protesters, are you?" Mimi asked

"The Dick heads with the signs?" Jay asked. "Hell no! Me and Silent Bob are pro choice. Women's' bodies are they're own fucking business."

"Then, why are you here?" Mimi asked.

"To pick up chicks." Jay replied. "I mean, why else would women be here if they weren't easy?"

Mimi gave Jay an annoyed look and said: "Well thanks."

Jay then replied: "That's it? We saved your life and all we get is a thanks?" As he and Bob were about to leave, Jay then said: "Man, I'm going back to Jersey. I can kick little kids asses there and make myself a profit…"

As Jay continues rambling, Mimi remembers Joe's words "…profits…two of them…" Mimi looked up and said: "You have got to be kidding!"

At a gun shop:

"…and we call this the fecalator, one look, and the target shits him or her self." The owner of the shop said as he was talking to two people: Matt and Tai.

"It's not as compact as the flaming sword." Tai complained. "It doesn't have that fear of God edge to it." "So?" Matt asked. "What I do is an art form!" Snapped Tai. "Committing mass murder, an art form?" Matt replied. "Anyone can start a few fires." "What I did was rain down sulfur!" Tai said. "That is way different from starting a few fires." Tai then grabbed the most fierce looking gun and told the owner: "We'll take this."

To be continued…


End file.
